Ken Terrell – Angry Ham

Step 0: Do not get on the air

This is by far the easiest step! Far too many so-called “Ham” radio operators foolishly get on the air as soon as they are properly licensed. These Newbies constantle fill up the airwaves with idle chit chat, dumb questions, talking about other hobbies with total strangers, and eventually these people turn into knowlegeable Hams. You must avoid this at all costs. Find excuses to not transmit!

You only have a $25 Baofeng radio? Don’t transmit! Everybody knows only expensive radios will hit the repeater, and the old men on the repeater will know from your audio quality that you are a poor loser!

Not quite sure what a CTCSS is? Go to the library and learn it the old fasioned way. Sure Those guys on the repeater might sound friendly, but secretly they are just waiting to mock you for being so dumb.

Driving through a new area? Never tune in a local repeater and drop your callsign. People get really upset when some random Joe-Blow keys up ‘their’ repeater while travelling through town. That repeater runs on electricity and that costs money. Plus all the wear and tear on relays and transistors! Who’s going to pay for all the damage!?

Have slightly more than a perfect 1:1 SWR ratio? Dear God! you can’t hit the repeater with that!! The repeater records everyones SWR when they transmit and we all make fun of you after the club meetings. We actually have a secret “High Score” board with club member’s SWR on it. One time I hit the repeater in Denver with a 3:1 SWR using a mag mount antenna stuck horizontally to the file cabinet in my office. Let’s just say I’m not welcome back in Colorado anymore.

Just remember never to transmit under any circumstances. There is no reason to ever actually use those privileges you studied so hard to get.

Step 1: Do not upgrade your license

If a No-code Technician license was good enough for Hiram Percy Maxim, then it’s good enough for me. He was perfectly happy with his low power spark-gap transmitter and he wasn’t wasting his precious time studying the FCC question pool and trying to find a test session. He took his limited privileges and was happy just sending out dits and dahs (whatever those are). There isn’t a single picture of him studying an ARRL test prep book or sitting through a class.

Learn from his example, get your Technician license and just stop there. No use wasting any time upgrading. Nobody uses those dumb HF bands anyway. Well maybe 20 meters FT8, but that’s really all anybody does below 50Mhz.

Step 2: Do not join a local or online club

What a bunch of dorks! Seriously have you ever seen so many cargo pants?

Step 3: Do not participate in Nets and Club Activities

Duh! Like Step 0 above, but this includes in person events. There’s no reasaon to show up at field day or a POTA unless you are fully qualified to run the entore event by yourself. We don’t have time to hold your hand while you learn how to conduct a POTA QSO. If you don’t have the ARRL Field Day exchange tattoed on your fore-arm we don’t want you! I for one have never made a mistake on the air, and there’s no reason you should either.

Step 4: Do not talk about Amateur Radio with friends and relatives

They’re not interested. You certainly won’t find out that dead Uncle Frank was a ham and he had some crappy old Kenwood TS Nine-hundred-something from the 90’s in his basement. You won’t find out that your co-worker is alread a Ham but he just never found someone to talk with about it. He’s interested in doing a POTA but he doesn’t know where to start.

Step 5: Do not volunteer for club officer positions

The local club officers are sick and tired of all you people trying to muscle your way into our jobs! It took me a long time and a lot of plotting and scheming to rise to this level of authority. When I think back on all the character assassination, blackmail, political maneuvering, and dirty tricks it took me to become an officer I’ll be dipped if I’ll let just some regular club member step up and volunteer to help with an activity. Sure it would be nice to have some help and there is plenty of work to do, but if we just let anybody volunteer then what’s the point of sitting at the front table during the meetings?

Step 6: Do not take a young prospective Ham-let under your wing

This is just as dangerous as step 0. I have seen a lot of licensed radio operators get seduced by the idea of teaching a new Ham. There’s something about sharing your passion for Ham Radio with an eager new Ham. They want to learn and are full of questions. Surprisingly their questions tend to increase your understanding of radio concepts as much as you help them. There is nothing like explaining something to a student to really get a concept deeply understood in your own head.

Step 7: Finally never have any fun.

This is a hobby for grumpy old men. You like the idea of talking around the world on a few watts? Want to experiment with some weird meteor scatter propagation? Want to bounce your voice off the moon? Want to talk to your buddy in the next valley during deer season? Want to visit Orlando and hang out with your radio friends? You like repairing old radios or creating your own?

Wipe that smile off your face young man. This hobby is serious business. If you’re having fun in ham radio then you are doing it wrong. You can’t spell “Amateur Radio Operator” without “Grumpy Old Man”